Working Toward Functionality: Conscious Parenting

Here's the third point from James D. MacArthur's The Functional Family speech:

"In the FF (Functional Family) parents CONSCIOUSLY and INTENTIONALLY parent....You cannot afford to allow your parenting to become casual. You are very serious about it—not uptight—but serious and focused. If I could convince parents in the Church to do one thing that would make all the difference it would be to set aside a specific time once a week or perhaps every two weeks (but not further apart than that) to sit down together and discuss family matters—or if you are a single parent I would encourage you to set aside a time to think about each of your family members and overall family needs. Some single parents have taken this advice and joined together at a regular time each week to discuss family issues and help each other. I want to be very sensitive to single parents in this talk. The idea here is that you would not miss the time set aside for partaking of the sacrament at 9:00 a.m. Sunday in Sacrament Meeting. Then why would you miss the time set aside for thoughtful consideration of each child's needs, overall family needs, marital needs and the personal needs of you as parents in the family? DO IT!! It will make a big difference if you don't give up on it too easily. Intentional parenting means regularly taking some private time to think about each child and what he/she needs.

"Let me make a big point here. How can setting aside a time once a week regularly to talk together about family needs, goals and plans possibly make that big a difference? It does because parents have no forum for regularly discussing their family needs unless you create one—and this is it! This is the time and place where it can all happen. Please do it!"


I love this idea!

When I think of conscious parenting, I think it's a matter of thinking through every consequence of the actions you take--if I do this, how's it going to effect my family. I love MacArthur's idea. I we take the time to think of each child and his/her needs and do it on a regular basis, we can be more purposeful in our actions as parents.

Working Toward Functionality: Give and Let Go

"2. In the Functional Family parents are mostly interested in WHAT THEY CAN OFFER THEIR CHILDREN AND PAY LESS ATTENTION TO WHAT THEIR CHILDREN WILL DO WITH WHAT THEY ARE OFFERED. Surprised to hear me say that? You will be less tense, stressed and troubled when you REALIZE THAT IS ALL YOU CAN DO ANYWAY—OFFER YOUR CHILDREN WHATEVER YOU CAN....BUT THE RESULTS OF WHAT THEY DO WITH YOUR OFFERINGS IS BEYOND YOU. Since that became clear to me—I operate differently in my family. Now, I put my thought and effort into doing my very best to offer as much love, teaching, sharing, concern, help, guidance and attention as I can to my children and grandchildren AND LEAVE WHAT THEY DO WITH IT UP TO THEM. I just offer all I can to uplift and strengthen my children—but the path they travel after that is their path to choose. I see myself as a teacher, coach, consultant, guide—and NOT as a manager who must get results. If you see yourself as the latter, you will likely try to control your children and will get worse results. IF YOU OFFER FROM YOUR HEART AND LET THEM GOVERN THEMSELVES—I think you will like the results you get even better.

"Of course, we all care a lot about what our children do with what we offer them. I care about it a lot in my own family. But I realize I can't control what my children do with what I offer them BUT I can pay a lot of attention to what I consciously try to offer them."

When I first read this, I got the wrong impression.  My first thought was that he was saying give your children everything they want.  Give to them monetarily.  What?!

After getting all the way through it, I realized that's not what he's saying at all.  MacArthur comes out and specifically states that what he gives his family is as much of his "love, teaching, sharing, concern, help, guidance and attention" as he can.  These things I can accept.

So basically, from what I understand, MacArthur is saying that you do what you can do and then allow the child his/her agency.  As parents we need to understand where we end and our children begin.

This is very much a Love & Logic principle as well.  You love the child enough to give him/her choices and you allow him/her to make mistakes so that he/she can learn from them.  The point is to let your children learn while they're young, while the "price tags are low," but you continue to love them no matter what they choose.

Bottom line:  I CANNOT control my children.  The more I try, the more frustrated I become and the more resentment we feel toward each other.  It's just a fact that the freedom to choose is an eternal principle.  It's one of the reasons we exist here.  When and if we try to revoke this privilege from someone else, we are breaking a God-given right.

Yes, life would be so much easier if we could just program everyone else to think and act like we do, but that's just not what it's all about.  When it comes down to it, my accountability ends with me, and theirs does with them.  But, I am still responsible to give the best I have, and when I do, I can be happy knowing that that's what I have done.

Working Toward Functionality: Clearing the Air

For the personal finance class that I'm taking, there are, in some lessons, optional reading selections.  I just ran across a GREAT one.  I thought I'd share it here.

It seems that we, for the last number of years, have been engulfed with the words "dysfunctional family."  This speech that I've linked to, though, talks about the opposite--the "functional family."  Maybe if we took our focus off of the dysfunctionality of everybody else's homes and started to work more on having functional families ourselves, life would be so much easier.  It just seems that taking personal responsibility to be a functional person individually and encouraging others by our examples.  I wonder if this might change our world.

I am not asserting here that my family is completely "functional."  I would also submit that we're not 100% dysfunctional either.  I believe functionality requires that each person who contributes to a home consciously decides and works at being a responsible individual and recognizes the part he/she plays in what makes up the family.

Point #1 from Mr. MacArthur's speech is this:

"THERE IS AN INVITING, COMFORTABLE, LOVING ATMOSPHERE IN THE HOME AND FAMILY. It is somewhat intangible but is at the very center of the family soul. It feels good and it feels good to be together. The atmosphere is 'easy' and 'not tight.' People like to be there. It feels like 'family love is in the air.' When you walk into it—you feel it. It is kind of like ice cream—you can't seem to get enough of it!

"As we talk about the other characteristics of the Functional Family—you will see that it is because the other characteristics are happening in the family that the atmosphere in the home is what it is."


I will be the first to admit that my home is NEVER spotless and rarely, if ever, wonderfully clean, but there have been times when friends have come to our home and have commented that they "like the way it feels."  I would assert that it's the feeling of those that live in the house toward each other that flavors the feeling in the home.

Last night was not one of these "ice cream" type of times at our house....

I took one of my children to a choir practice, and when I returned, there was tension in the air.  It was clear.  It has been here for awhile, but for some reason, last night I decided that life is just much too short to have our home feel like this for even one more minute.

I walked into the front room and found two individuals in the room that have been at odds for a good long while.  I decided I couldn't take it any longer, so I put my nose where it didn't belong and said, "Wow!  I'm surprised to see you both in the same room.  Have you fixed things?"

One of the parties looked at me with complete surprise on his face, and I said, "C'mon.  Don't tell me you didn't know he's been mad at you for weeks.  Have you talked it out?"

I was surprised that neither was mad at me for butting in, but they said they hadn't.  I said a few more things and got the ball rolling.  I knew if I didn't, it would be a cold day in someplace unpleasant before they took that bull by the horns.  I don't know if,  by the time they were finished, things were fixed, but I believe they were well on their way.  At least they understood each other, and it sounded like they were both aware of the things they needed to work on.  Now we'll just wait and see if they both do them.

It surprises me how quickly we can accept disharmony and make it part of our skin.  For them, I guess it was just easier to be unhappy than to talk it out, but once the dialog began, the air started to clear.

I remember hearing, when the Warden and I got married and people were asked to offer us advice, that we were never to go to bed unhappy with each other.  We heard it so often that it became a trite saying.  I still cringe when I hear people say that.  But, more than not going to bed unhappy as husband and wife, I'd say, never go to bed with an unhappy teenager in the house.  A committed husband will still be there in the morning; an angry teenager might not.  They know just enough to be dangerous.

So, there you have it.

The first goal for a functional family is to clear the air.

If there's unhappiness in your home, maybe it's time to swallow some pride and be the first to open your mouth and bring it out.  One thing I saw last night was that you have to be completely honest, but be kind in your honesty.  Be prepared to hear some things that might not be comfortable, but be willing to accept that you're not perfect and everyone needs to change--even you.  I mean, if you're being a jerk and everyone else is aware of it, wouldn't you rather know so you can stop and make a change and become a more functional person?

One final note....You can do NOTHING to change the other person.  You can do all in your power to make them aware of what's bugging you, but it's really up to that individual to take what you've offered and choose to do something with it or not.  The only person you can control is you, and that's okay.