Every time I find myself needing to forgive someone it's that much harder than the time before. Why is this so? Is it the next step on the ladder that I've been climbing all my life. Well, I'd like to go back a rung or two and see how I would do if I had to do the easier ones again. This one's tough!
There has been a situation that I was feeling badly about. I knew I had to speak with the person I was involved in the situation with, so I could find some resolution. Instead of talking face to face or even on the phone, the opportunity came to chat online. As I look back, I wish I had taken a different mode of communication, but alas, what's done is done. To be honest, at this point, I'm not sure if it would have made any difference.
Since I've known this person for nigh on twenty years, I thought the feelings behind my words and that I meant no harm would be understood. Knowing that this person is rather volatile, I thought I was choosing my words with great care, but within two sentences of our chat, it was clear that I had not chosen them carefully enough. I had come across all wrong, and the words that came back to me soon became angry and resentful. It was clear that I had come across as mean and ungrateful. So NOT my intention. Ugh! What to do? I quickly apologized and backed out of the conversation.
I finally ended up getting in touch with the person's spouse on the phone and ironing things out. I felt much better. Until I opened my email a few minutes later.
Q was sitting next to me, and I opened an email that called me more ugly things than I think I've ever been called in my life...combined. Woah! That was totally unexpected! I read two sentences, realized that Q was reading too, and quickly closed it and threw it in the trash. I didn't know I had come across that badly. In the email, I was asked to reread our chat, it was lovingly attached to the email, and I was to reanalyze how I had come across. As I reread, I realized that had that person really been my friend and come from it from the angle that I care and didn't want there to be a problem, there would have been no wrong interpretation, but coming from the other side of that coin, my words could have come across as rude and ungrateful. I was sad to know that they were being read by someone who didn't know me at all.
I wrote back one short email stating that I was sorry I had come across that way.
After Q was out of the room, I opened it again. I wish I hadn't. It flavored the way I feel about this person and caused me to think that this person has had these feelings building up for awhile. Wow! Did I open a can of worms! Funny because I've never felt any of that in return.
I feel sad that it was expected that I was trying to be "mean." There was no benefit of the doubt. There was no trying to figure out the feeling behind the words--just an immediate judgment that that's what I was out to do. When, in reality, I meant nothing of the sort. I learned a few years back that we think that others see life through the same eyes we do. We know no other lens, so we assume that everyone we come in contact with interprets life as we do. SAD! On both our parts--I was equally to blame for this. From my lens, I like to assume that no one's out to "get me," but that others mean well and only have everyone's best interest at heart.
This is a person who is continually saying, "Don't judge me." Funny thing is, when the email was again tossed in the trash, that's all I felt--judged. I don't think I feel that way very often.
You know, it's funny, my first inclination is to not want to talk to this person again. I want to punish and withhold my love, but inside I know that's not the right thing to do. I'm pretty sure that no matter how I had confronted this person in regard to the initial problem, it would have been taken as an attack.
I need to add another element to this story. A number of weeks ago, I was contacted by this person, and we spoke very candidly about a number of things. Because of this conversation, I felt that I could really address any subject and trust and be trusted. Shortly after this, I was made aware that the most private part of what I had shared had been shared with someone we both know mutually. UGH!!! You must know, I'm not one who trusts very many people and this, to me, was a HUGE breech of trust.
The reason I address this now is that I'm trying to wrap my brain and heart around how best to forgive and move on. This person has proven to me that there is no friendship there. I need to reassess how to deal with this person especially since we will be seeing each other this weekend, and it is unavoidable. If I could, I'd give myself a little more time to really be able to forgive and figure out where I fit.
I'm writing this here because I can't speak to this person and trust that I'll be understood for what I mean. I would probably just make things worse, and that's a terrible feeling. I feel a little trapped.
I have no problem being courteous. I will be myself because I realize that it was never my intention to hurt and be rude, and I have apologized for what I felt I could. This is not a person I cannot avoid forever. I know over time things will improve. There will never be trust there again, but is that part of truly forgiving someone too? Am I withholding true forgiveness by not burying everything and moving on? Can I really love someone if I don't trust that person? I'd love some input, so I can work this out soon.
