In My Own Defense - Read it ALL before you judge

It's funny how I expect that, most of the time, those who read my blog are my friends. I guess because of that feeling, I often write the basic info and let my friends fill in the blanks, knowing that I am a caring and careful mom. 

Last night, there were people who commented on my Friday confessional post very rudely.  They were people who had never read anything else I'd ever written before. They were just VERY quick to judge. It was because of these people that I felt the need to pull that post from this blog.  One, very unhappy person, even went so far as to say that I have "bad grammar."  That actually made me laugh.  It was a "And so's your old man" kind of statement, so thank you for that one.  I'm still laughing about it.


I believe that people should have varying opinions.  It makes our world great.  I don't believe, however, that people should judge without knowing the entire story.  One person, last night, went so far as to say that if he/she were on the jury, and I were on trial, he/she'd convict me.  The funny thing about this entire string of comments was the fact that not ONE person asked further questions.  Wow!  That was SHOCKING!  No one tried to get the entire story, they just went with what they had and accused me of being a neglectful mother.  I was guilty until proven innocent.  That, my friends, is NOT the American way, and YOU should be ashamed of YOURSELVES!!!  That's the message that was sent to me over and over again last night, so right back at'cha.


The Warden (for those of you with no sense of humor, this term is used in a very loving way) is sad that I feel I have to defend myself, and I guess that's not my main purpose in doing this.  My motive is to inform and educate.  

So, here's the entire story.  I'm guessing those that judged last night, if they get around to reading this, have their first impression firmly implanted and will continue to be harsh.  That's fine.  That's what our great country is all about--freedom.


Sidenote:  Oh yah, my grammar's bad on purpose because I feel it defines who I am and how I speak, so have at that one too....And so's your old man....

Our kids are responsible, once they hit 1st grade, to make their own lunches. I provide a list attached to the cupboard door that delineates just what is available. They must choose one thing from each category--one dairy (list of dairy items available: string cheese, yogurt, other cheese...), one protein (tuna, hard-boiled egg, peanut butter...), one veggie (with a list), one fruit, one grain (you get the idea) put it in a bag, and voila.  They are continually sad that there are no Cheetos or sodas for them to include.



This responsibility all came about when our first was in first grade.  It has carried through with four other children.  Believe it or not, they're still among the living.  I know....Shocking!



Being a strong believer and follower in the Jim Fay "Love and Logic" ideals, I allow my children as many choices and as much independence as I'm comfortable with--no more and no less than I think they are capable of.  This lunch thing was just another opportunity for them to have choices and act independently.  I could stand there and make the choices for them and take away their opportunity for growth and learning, or they could feel the self-confidence and pride gained by doing for themselves.  If it's just a matter of choosing food from a list and putting it in a bag, I'd be sad for the first grader that couldn't do this.

Each child has an individualized list of jobs they are expected to do after school--making a lunch being one of them.  My older children no longer need these lists as they are pretty self-sufficient at this point.  They know what is expected, and they do it--most of the time.  When they don't, there are consequences, and they've gotten to the point where they learn pretty quickly.  If you skip filling the dishwasher, doing it the next day is even worse--so many more dishes to have to deal with.  You get the idea.

Each month, each child has money deposited into his/her school lunch account.  This is enough for four or five lunches a month (depending on how many weeks are in that month). #5 has overdrawn his account every month but one since the school year started.  In past months, he's charged extra lunches and incurred debt, but the money for those lunches have come out of the next month's funds--I always deposit the same amount of money.  Each month he's been told how many lunches are available to him.  The school also stamps a child's hand when they see that the funds are getting low.  He has been very aware of just what's available to him.
 
When February began, we told him that if he overdrew again, he was done buying lunches for the year. He knew he would have to make a lunch every day.  We have had to do this with just one of our other children.  That child never went without lunch.  He learned the lesson quickly.

#5 did it anyway.  So, this is the first month he's not been able to buy.  At this point, he could go into the cafeteria and charge a lunch or two, but he chose not to do that.  He knew that was the wrong thing to do.  We're feeling that's a good sign that the kid is starting to get it.

He came to me yesterday, when I volunteered in his class, and told me that he'd forgotten his lunch. I told him I wished he would have told me before I'd come to the school, so I could have brought it to him.  I consulted with his teacher. She said that he'd forgotten the day before too.  

All the teachers and administrators in the district are trained on "Love and Logic."  She knows to let the problem stand in the child's shoes, to lovingly talk him through it, and help him come up with his own solutions, so I have no doubt that's what happened the day before as well.  

She had some crackers that she offered to give him. I thanked her but asked that he do something to compensate her for the crackers.  I also knew that 2 1/2 hours later, he'd be home. So, even if he chose not to do the work and didn't have the crackers, he wasn't going to die in 2 1/2 hours, I was pretty sure.

More than anything, I knew that if I covered for him this once, it wouldn't be the last. I was the fifth child, believe me, I know this stuff. Ah the joy of flying under the radar! If I were to allow him to buy, I'd never see the end of it.  Plus, I would lose credibility with my other children. I have decided that I'd much rather have him learn this lesson while the price is low than have him lose his house or car or have to declare bankruptcy as an adult by poor use of funds.

I knelt by his desk, gave him a hug and told him how sad I was that he hadn't made his lunch. He knew it wasn't me punishing him but his neglect of making the lunch that was really the culprit.  He knew and continues to know that I love him.  The truth be known, my heart ached as I walked out that door.  I thought through a million and a half ways I could bail him out.

When he got home, he ate lunch.  To be specific, he had a tangerine, a string cheese, a granola bar and a sandwich.  Mind you, he was pale and VERY gaunt and was breathing kind of funny (just kidding).

So, will he neglect to make lunch in the future? Maybe. Will I bail him out? No. He knows what's expected, and he's proven time and time again that he's capable. 

So, nearly everyone says I'm evil and neglectful and that I'm using food as a punishment and that I should be arrested and if they were on the jury they'd vote to convict. So, just thought I'd let you know, I'm evil. Oh, and the creme de la creme, I have bad grammar....So's your old man!



NOTE:  ALL comments are welcome.  Anonymous comments will be deleted.