Friday, March 26, 2010

Mother Guilt

Here we are, the last day of our time at the beach, and what am I feeling?  Guilt.  Ugh!

Woke up to feed L a few minutes ago and could not fall back to sleep.  I feel like I've wasted my time here.  These are days that will never be again.  What have I done with them?

I have been more than focused on two things--L and T.  My other children have just been allowed to do whatever they've wanted.  Maybe I shouldn't be feeling bad about this.  Maybe they should have times when they can just go and do and be completely free, but I've seen very little of A and B especially. 

A, the first day here, hopped on one of the bikes we brought and just rode around.  He had never ridden a two-wheeler before.  He just did it--no one pushing from behind, no one running alongside to make sure he didn't fall.  He just did it, so he enjoyed quite a bit of time outside riding bikes with the other kids.

Yesterday it rained, so the kids were pretty much cooped up inside.

The house we're staying in is HUGE!  There are three different levels and a big flight of stairs.  Most of the time, I stayed at the top.  L would sleep, so I'd have to stay near because I hadn't brought a baby monitor. 

T is in the midst of potty training.  I haven't had to work this hard to potty train a kid in years.  It has been a huge focus of this vacation.  Not fun, but we've been pretty successful, I'm happy to say.

Even with the kids being super tired--we've been going to bed much too late--and beind stuck in the house with the pouring down rain yesterday, they've gotten along very well.  For that, I'm grateful.  I think they've had a very good time.

As for me, I just wish I would have put my focus on each of my children each day of this break.  I wish I would have played games with them and read to them and done all the things we've done on past vacations and that we do at home on school days.

So, there you have my heart.  That's what's lying in it this morning.  It feels heavy. 

The only way I know to make this better is to do better today.  On the way home, I will take a turn sitting by each and just talking with him/her.  As of this afternoon, when we get home, I will play games and not squander the rest of the vacation.

How sad I didn't stop and pay attention to my heart until this morning.


Tonya said...

I have mother guilt all the time. Just the other day Sophi told me she wanted to be a baby again so she could get get the same attention that Ivy gets. It made me sad. It also made me realize that even my older kids still need their Momma time...I try to give it. It's just that life gets nuts and I expect more from my older kids. We used to be so good about individual kid dates. Lately those haven't been happening very often. I know we need to get back to doing those. I'm sure your kids have had a great time being free! And to just be away from the mundane tasks at home is refreshing to everybody I am sure. It is always good to listen to your heart, but don't be to hard on yourself. You are such an AWESOME Mommy!

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