Friday, August 19, 2011

Feeling Fragile

Can I admit this?  Is it okay?  I'm just feeling a little out of sorts--whatever that means.  I mean I don't know what it means really, but it seems like a good term to use for these emotions.  Life just seems a bit topsy turvy.  Oh no.  Another one of those  terms.

I'm home.  The kids are home.  The boys are sick of being with each other.  Everyone's B-O-R-E-D.

The reality of school just around the corner has left me with some very mixed emotions.  It's been a very adventure-filled summer.  I don't know when I've had a better one.  AMAZING!  FANTASTIC! 

But, my kids are going back to school.  Yeah?  Yippee?  Not so much. 

Having had two weeks of being "Julie Hess," not #1,2,3,4,5,6 or 7's mom; not being The Warden's wife; just being ME--so weird.  So unusual.  Having had this, I feel like I've missed out on two weeks of them.  I missed them, but it was so great to be me.  I had forgotten who I was.  I had kind of forgotten there was a me.

Usually, this time of the summer, I'm counting the days.  They're sick of being around each other all the time.  They can't think of anything fun to do, and I become the entertainment committee.

This year, I've got school worries. Finished my last paper for adolescent lit today.  Personal finance weighs heavy on my shoulders along with the upcoming lit final.  One more class left.  When lit is over, I will sign up for my VERY LAST class.  That, my friends, is EXCITING!  But...and this is a BIG but....

Schedules have changed.  #6's preschool schedule will be limited to two days a week this coming school year.  #7's nap schedule no longer contains a morning nap, which is when #6'll be in school on those two days.  YIKES!  How'm I gonna get it done?  How can I do it without depriving them?  I know it's not going to be forever, but I don't want it to be at all.  I don't want to make this sacrifice any more.  I just want to be mom.  I just want to be available.  I don't want to back-burner them--AT ALL--any more.

Just tell me it'll work out, okay?  Just remind me that everything always works out how it should, right?

As it stands, I have a year to take a class and a half.  So do-able, right?  I just want there to be four more hours in every day, but not just ordinary, just-like-every-other hours.  I want all-to-myself hours.  I want no-guilt hours.  I want time that doesn't have to be shared with anybody else.  Time that I can spend poring through the books without someone or something else needing part of it.  Is there such a time?  If so, I need it....

And my eight hours of sleep.

4 comments:

Diane said...

You can do it. It'll take prayer and a lot of faith, but you can. And early morning hours are the best (unless you're teaching seminary) for uninterrupted time. I repeat . . . you can do it!

Tonya said...

You can do this! You have already come so far and that light is right there at the end of the tunnel!

Julie, you are a fantastic Mom. You won't let your kids suffer. Early morning. Late at night. Whatever it takes to get it done and not make you insane. Can you pace it a little slower? Pray about it. You'll know what to do. You always do.

And as far as keeping your own identity. You have to take time for yourself! I hear late night girls nights at Cheesecake Factory work wonders:)

Diane said...

Just tell me it'll work out, okay? Just remind me that everything always works out how it should, right?

Okay everything will work out. Actually it always seems to as long as you work at it everyday. It always amazes me how a little each day can make the seemingly impossible happen.

Alyson said...

I just read a C. Jane post (wasn't it you who introduced me to her?) in which she met Emma Lou Thayne, acclaimed LDS writer who is in her 80s or 90s or something. Post here, if you want to read it: http://blog.cjanerun.com/2011/08/adoration.html

Anyway, C. Jane quoted Emma Lou Thayne, who was an active and published writer when she was raising children. She used to tell them, "I love you with all of my heart, but not with all of my time." Kids can be left to their own devices more regularly than we do it.

(Hey, on Netflix maybe stream the documentary "Babies". It was a fascinating thing to watch. The US and Japanese babies—with ever-present parents and lots of toys—were so much less contented than the African and Tibetan babies who were left alone, like literally alone at 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, for hours at a time with not a single toy in sight. Watch it if you get a moment.)

I don't think it's a good trade-off to leave the kids alone while we search the internet for hours at a time. But to finish a college degree? To do something constructive? To better yourself? Heck yes. 100% yes. All will be well.

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