Friday, August 26, 2011

Self-Sabotage

You know you do it.  You know you do.

It's the staying up too late.  It's the not drinking enough water.  It's the eating whatever you want whenever you want.

That's what I've been doing, and I'm done.  DONE, I tell you.

I feel like I take down this really nicely built wall one brick at a time, and for me, it all starts with bedtime.  I have absolutely NO REASON to stay up late.  I'm not performing open-heart surgery.  I'm not saving the world from crime or dastardly deeds.  I'm just up.  Doing what?  Well....hmm....ummm.  Well, sabotaging the next day.  That's what I'm doing.  I mean, let's call a spade a spade, shall we?

If I can just get myself to bed at a decent hour--for me, ideal is 9:30pm.  If I could fall in at that time every night (except for maybe date night), life'd be just peachy.  So, I'm going to start.

Yah...no.  Even later than this.
Actually, I started a number of nights ago, and within three days, I was feeling great in the morning--energy, ready to get up and go, but night before last, I was out hating myself again (that's got to be what it is, isn't it?  I mean, if I really loved and valued myself, I'd get my hind end to bed, wouldn't I?).  Last night I did the same, but last night, I was waiting for child #2 to get home from playing basketball with his bubs.  He walked in at about 11:30, but would you care to know where Mickey's hands were pointing when I climbed my sorry self in between the sheets?  Umm, yah, 12:44.  No joke.  What in the world am I doing to myself (and the poor waifs that are starting to become ashamed to call this haggard old woman with the blood shot eyes Mom)?



So, here it is 3:09pm.  I had to take my contacts out already because my eyes are stinging.  I'm attempting to study while the boys are at the park and the little girl's asleep, but I'm having problems keeping my eyes open.  Say it with me, "PA-THE-TIC!"

Now you know why I'm writing about this.  So, check in on me from time to time, would you?  Ask me how it's going?  I AM going to do this.  I am going to start being nice to me again.

I'd like to say the sleep thing is the only brick I tear down on a regular basis, but sadly, it's not.  I won't burden you with the other bricks because for now, I'm going to get this one back up and mortared in really good before I move onto the next one.  Maybe just taking care of this biggie will give me the motivation I need and others will just fall into place.  We can only hope, right?

5 comments:

Tonya said...

I totally do the same thing! I drive myself nuts sometimes. Good for you for recognizing where you need to improve to make yourself a happier person. And I like that you take baby steps to make improvements. That's how those baby steps become good habits. You rock.

vaxhacker said...

Yikes.

That has me written all over it. (Of course you know me well enough to have guessed that anyway.) I can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight.

But I really need to find the determination to get myself to stop sabotaging my weight loss. Sheesh. I lost so much weight to just gain half of it back on again (arrrgh.) So I'll keep you honest about the sleep thing if you stay on my case about diet. :)

Janiece said...

hum...
My thought was...little ones asleep....GO TAKE A NAP!
I am terrible...even if I do go to bed early I just toss and turn until Kirk asks me to hold still or get up.
Good luck!

Diane said...

I am guilty of eating too much, not getting enough sleep, and not exercising enough. But I kind of like it that way most of the time, which is bad I know. But I love staying up late joking and chatting with my husband and often eating that secret treat. But with school starting I will have to change and instead of feeling good about the change, I feel sad.

Of course a 9:30 bedtime is not for me. My older kids don't even head to their room before 10, which is probably why I stay up so late. But I am still mad at my mom for making my teenage curfew 9:30 because that was when she went to bed. My mom still says I will come to see things her way in time. :)

lia london, author of "The Circle of Law" said...

You sound like me when I get down on myself. If I could make an unsolicited suggestion.... Shorten the list of bricks. Take out one "bad" and replace it with one "good" and just focus on that for a little bit. Maybe a couple of weeks. Allow for mishaps, but make a generally good track record. When you've got that much down, move on to the next pair of changes. You will most likely discover that some of the other "bad" bricks you had are already improved. Baby steps are good. Baby distances with those steps also helps. Otherwise you're still running. (We perfectionists tend to do that.) The Lord will help you in every righteous effort to improve yourself for Him. Figure out how what you're changing will bring you closer to Him, and then relish it when it happens. It'll fuel you to continue.

Blah blah blah. Thanks, Mommy Lia.....

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