Sunday, February 22, 2009

Shaken but Standing Stronger

Note: Before you read this post, please know that it's a bit lengthy and personal. I had to share it, but I hope that you will read it with an open heart. Please also note that pregnancy is a big topic for me right now, and I know that it can get a bit tiring to hear about another woman's pregnancy experiences. If you choose not to read this, I completely understand and won't be hurt in the slightest. Oh, one last thing, I hope that the feelings I express here are shared by anyone who reads this--I hope you already have the same joy I am only beginning to understand.

This past week, I've been a bit preoccupied. After seeing the doctor with Teagen, and his diagnosis that it wasn't fifth disease, put my mind at ease quite a bit, and I was ready to move on.

Quite a bit later, I checked to see that I had new comments made to my updated post. It is true that I 'm not one looking for someone to sugar-coat everything for me and actually get a bit annoyed when it seems that others aren't being completely truthful and straightforward, but I don't find that to be the case with those of you who read my blog--thank you! Thank you for being willing to take the time to help me out. Thank you for sharing yourselves and your experiences with me, so that I can be that much more informed.

After reading comments the other day, I realized that I wasn't out of the woods as far as fifth's goes. Many doubts entered my mind, which I shouldn't have allowed--what if the doctor was wrong? What if the blood test comes back that I have no immunities? And worst of all--what if I lose this baby? So, needless to say, it's been a mentally taxing week full of resurrected worry.

It built in me a new appreciation for this little one growing inside me and what she must go through on a daily basis. It also made me understand what a blessing this is--to have another child. Since becoming aware of her presence back in November, I have felt that enthusiasm grow out of nothing, very gradually, but it seems that there are daily experiences and lessons that help prepare me for what lies ahead.

There have been interesting trials with this pregnancy that I've never had before. Each of these has helped me understand out how sometimes we come to understand our greatest blessings only by those same blessings be tried and potentially taken away. I am grateful for this new lesson in my life.

Three days after I found out I was pregnant, I started spotting. I realized that I had a choice to make. I could help out either way--just keep going and running and pushing myself like always and choose my own will--the easy way out, or I could lay low and take it easy, which is against my nature as a mother and choose Father in Heaven's will for our family. I knew what I had to choose. Because I was forced into making that choice, my will has been changed.
With the fifth disease scare, I realized that in this case, it had nothing to do with a choice, I had to be totally and completely reliant on Him. Ugh! Not an easy thing--at least for me.

I am grateful for how well He knows me. I'm grateful for how He knows what it's going to take to make me a bit more (I'm sorry I don't know as good a word for it in English) sunao (here's the definition from"obedient, meek, docile, unaffected." All these things wrapped into one; great word, huh?).

As for now, Lachlan continues to make her tiny presence known, and I am pleased to know that she will yet be ours. I also know that as far as the outcome of all of this, it's in the Lord's hands, and I must submit to that--of course I must do the best I can do as far as my own will is concerned, but any farther than that, I must lean on Him.

Today, another lesson was sent my way. A great tender mercy, and I was overwhelmed by it and still feel like I don't have the full grasp of what was being said. We were sitting in Sunday School, and Brother Moulton was teaching.

At the end of his lesson, it seemed that he suddenly turned from his original plan, he turned to the women in the room and asked, "Sisters, do you feel that you lack any of the blessings of the priesthood?" I shook my head as I pondered on the importance of this question. He looked me in the face and said, "Do you?"

I quietly answered, "I have the lion's share." I'm not sure where these words came from because I wasn't actively thinking them, but as I said them, they sunk into my heart as I realized the truth. I knew Z felt what I was feeling at that moment. The entire rest of the lesson added to those feelings.

Brother Moulton closed his lesson with this. The icing on the cake:

Parable of the Treasure and Keys

"Once a man received as his inheritance two keys. The first key, he was told, would open a vault which he must protect at all cost. The second key was to a safe within the vault which contained a priceless treasure. He was to open this safe and freely use the precious things which were stored therein. He was warned that many would seek to rob him of his inheritance. He was promised that if he used the treasure worthily, it would be replenished and never be diminished, not in all eternity. He would be tested. If he used it to benefit others, his own blessings and joy would increase.

"The man went alone to the vault. His first key opened the door. He tried to unlock the treasure with the other key, but he could not, for there were two locks on the safe. His key alone would not open it. No matter how he tried, he could not open it. He was puzzled. He had been given the keys. He knew the treasure was rightfully his. He had obeyed instructions, but he could not open the safe.

"In due time there came a woman into the vault. She too held a key. It was noticeably different from the key he held. Her key fit the other lock. It humbled him to learn that he could not obtain his rightful inheritance without her.

"They made a covenant that together they would open the treasure and, as instructed, he would watch over the vault and protect it; she would watch over the treasure. She was not concerned that, as guardian of the vault, he held two keys, for his full purpose was to see that she was safe as she watched over that which was most precious to them both. Together they opened the safe and partook of their inheritance. They rejoiced, for, as promised, it replenished itself.

"With great joy they found that they could pass the treasure on to their children; each could receive a full measure, undiminished to the last generation.

"Perhaps some few of their posterity would not find a companion who possessed the complementary key, or one worthy and willing to keep the covenants relating to the treasure. Nevertheless, if they kept the commandments, they would not be denied even the smallest blessing.

"Because some tempted them to misuse their treasure, they were careful to teach their children about keys and covenants.

"There came, in due time, among their posterity some few who were deceived or jealous or selfish because one was given two keys and another only one. 'Why,' the selfish ones reasoned, 'cannot the treasure be mine alone to use as I desire?'

"Some tried to reshape the key they had been given to resemble the other key. Perhaps, they thought, it would then fit both locks. And so it was that the safe was closed to them. Their reshaped keys were useless, and their inheritance was lost.

"Those who received the treasure with gratitude and obeyed the laws concerning it knew joy without bounds through time and all eternity.

"I bear witness of our Father’s plan for happiness, and bear testimony in the name of Him who wrought the Atonement, that it might be."

From an address by Elder Packer in the October 1993 general conference of the Church (see Conference Report, Oct. 1993, 27–31; or Ensign, Nov. 1993, 21–24).
This unexpected blessing in my life just adds that much more to what I enjoy in this life. I feel like I have it all; or can have if I live right. I so want to live right


Alyson said...

It's been a wonder to watch your feelings about the pregnancy change and progress.

I once had a relative who has left the church ask me what I thought about women and the priesthood. He sees me as sort of a go-out-and-grab-it sort, I think. I thought for weeks, and prayed, before I answered his question. The thought that kept coming: Why would I want the priesthood? Why would I want even more responsibilities to serve?

And I realized what I'd always known but hadn't taken the time to put into ordered thought: the priesthood doesn't bless the holder of it, it blesses everyone else around him. What can our husbands, our bishops, our home teachers do for themselves with their priesthood? It's all for us. We definitely have the lion's share of blessings from it, I agree.

Hesses Madhouse said...

Thank you for verbalizing what I was having a problem saying, Alyson. I was thinking similar thoughts. The men are in the same boats as we are--they can't use the priesthood to bless themselves; they have to go ask someone else just like we do, but...we get all the blessings of the temple as well as all the things they use the priesthood to serve our lives with plus we get to have children. We are definitely blessed! I don't see how I could want for more.

Anonymous said...

this was such a touching post.

thank you for this. and i truly hope that you & your little baby will be ok. :)

The Garver Family said...


I am amazed. You are a wonderful mother and good friend. Your strength and persistence astounds me. Thank you for being such a good example.

And I missed you, too! :)

Darilyn said...

Great thoughts and thanks for sharing.

vaxhacker said...

Thank you for sharing this. I've already blathered on too much in my own blog about my views on LDS women's issues, priesthood, etc., so I won't go into it again here but I agree with you (and in particular the observation that the priesthood is totally about serving others, not about having power over others or glorifying ourselves... sadly, not everyone seems to get that...)

I really appreciate all that you're sharing with us and for your insights and thoughts. You're a wonderful person and a great mom.

Unknown said...

I love your thoughts Julie. I too learned a new kind of appreciation for my newest little angel. Not knowing if I would have a third-being thrilled to be pregnant, then going thru the placenta previa thing--I definately appreciated things differently this time around. While I don't have the preisthood in myhome, I have my father, my friends husbands, home teachers- I have appreciated the strength of the preisthood thru them. As with almost everything in life I am learning that I need to ask for what I needhelp with. Not only does this bless me, but there is almost always someone there and willing to help me. I have definately learned over the past year the one person who is ALWAYS here to help me. My Heavenly Father. He is there for Little old me. What a blessing.

Jen {} said...

This was a joy to read! Loved the parable or analogy! It was very touching.

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