Repenting, Confessing and Starting Again -- This is a limb I'm afraid to go out on WARNING: please read with a forgiving heart

With a title like that, this is a post you might not want to read.

I am a lousy mom. I will be the first to admit it. I'm not at all the mom I used to be. I used to consider myself pretty good, but somewhere along the way I've lost my focus. I think it might have been three children ago. I frequently feel overwhelmed.

I was looking at poor T the other day and realized that I don't sit down and read to him. With my older kids, they got read to twice a day EVERY day. Ugh! I've really lowered my standards. So, I'm in the process of rebuilding, making my kids a much higher priority. I love that the Spirit teaches us what is best for us and is so patient as to teach that lesson over and over until it sticks. Well, I'm ready for it to stick.

I just get the feeling that there aren't enough hours in the day, so I'm going to realign my priorities and use more of that time in their behalf and pray that time will be maximized in my behalf as I choose the right. One of my favorite scriptures is D&C 130:21-22. So, I can trust that only good will come from my efforts.

I'm thankful for good friends that set an example for me in how to be a good mom. One friend in particular, whom we don't live near any more, has been an excellent example to me. I get emails from her frequently, which are full of her good efforts, and I feel inspired by her; I love that she shares. She will soon have a blog up and running (this week, I hope), and I'm excited to read what she does, so I can follow her example. I don't know if she knows how much I appreciate her. She's also a mom of six, but she's a good mom of six. I don't consider myself a terrible mom, my kids are happy, and I don't yell at them (any more), but there's just so much more I could be doing that I'm letting fall to the wayside--as I look beyond the mark, let things slip through the cracks, get caught up in the thick of thin things, you know all those little sayings you hear--that's me right now, but not for long.

So, here I am, and here are my plans. I hope you'll follow up with me to see how I'm doing. I can use all the accountability I can get.

4. Read to T, A, DJ and B everyday
7. Take a walk with kids everyday
13. Do something to make a good memory for them daily
10. Clean house together
8. Train kids in how to do a job properly
3. Hug ‘em a whole lot more
5. Family scriptures everyday
2. Family prayer twice a day
6. Plan and carry out meals
9. Family Home Evening -- well planned
12. Teach them to serve one another
14. Music practice
11. Work on school stuff with them
15. Have their friends over
1. Do not compare kids - treat each as an individual

Where to start:
Early to bed, early to rise – 9:30pm bedtime/6am wake time
How I’m going to make this happen:
I have set an alarm on my cell phone for 9pm. This will be my alert to start getting ready for bed.

I don't plan on doing all of these goals at once, but I have them laid out, so I know where I'm heading. For now, I'm going to work on the sleep thing. I know this has a huge amount to do with my attitude and energy level. From there, we'll see where I go. I'm going to try to do the others to the best of my ability, but I'm not going to beat myself up for not doing them. We already do them to some degree or another, but I feel like if I tackle them one at a time, I can do each with a more concerted effort and turn them into a way of life instead of continual, half-hearted attempts.

Okay, so I'm going to be brutally honest here, and I know I'm going to offend some, but I hope, if you are offended that you'll forgive me, but this has to be said. I love my ward. I know, when I go to church that I am amongst WONDERFUL people. I would hate to leave it, but I don't feel like I am one of them. They leave me alone, but it's most likely because I leave them alone. I don't feel worthy to be in their presence. I'm now in the ranks of an "older mom" with small children. When I was a younger mom with younger kids, I think I was more easily approached, and being a good mom was easier with having friends who were in the same situation as I was. Now, I think they think, probably because I'm older that I'm too old for their conversations. I used to watch others' kids when they had errands to run, etc., but nobody asks me to do that any more. I have often wondered if it's because they consider me a bad mom and again, not worthy of such a responsibility, or if it's just because they think I'm too busy, but nobody even asks. I don't ask because I fear their rejection. Woah, way too much honesty here.

There are those who are kind enough to invite us to do things. Yesterday, for example, a new woman in the ward, who is dynamic and very outgoing, came up and invited us to go to the park with them today. I was touched and appreciative. I have to admit, I have a very shy side, a socially awkward side that I let emerge way too often. There have been too many times when I've refused invitations just because I haven't felt worthy, or I've been afraid I'd say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I'm not very comfortable in social situations with women. I never have been. Being raised amongst the wolves (a whole bunch of great brothers, and I wouldn't trade my upbringing for anything), it's hard to know how to interact with the rabbits.

I've decided that I need to raise my standards so that I can feel worthy of being in their presence, so when they invite me I can go and do and feel good about it.

Is this way too much information? Am I exposing way too much? See, that's a quality I haven't mastered yet either, knowing what is socially acceptable to share, and what is not. Sometimes I think people hold back way too much, so as to not lose face. I like to think I am a face value kind of person. Take me or leave me.

I'm not begging to be involved in more, I just think I've been very misunderstood. Thank you to those of you who've been patient with me and forgiving. Just because I'm older doesn't mean I have everything figured out, not even close.