Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Update on Goals - Here's How I Did

Zan read yesterday's post and said I was being "very hard on myself." I countered with, "My feelings are my reality." Something I've heard him say many times.

I do think that someday there will be a big ward activity and everyone will go straight from there to the Celestial Kingdom, and we'll be sitting at home. I think this is how Satan works. He wants us to feel inferior. There is absolutely no reason why I should feel like I don't belong or unworthy. I just do. I don't feel good enough. This is part of my "row to hoe" so to speak. My struggle in life at this point, and as struggles go, this one isn't too bad. I'll take it. I can control this one, but I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin and stop second guessing myself and beating myself up for saying and doing dumb things.

Okay, enough of that.
Yesterday was a much better day. I took Gannon, Dierden and Brevin to goalie camp in the morning. While they were there, I took the other kids to the grocery store. We were done in an hour (unheard of) and returned to watch the kids play soccer.

"Soccer" is Teagen's new word. The moment I let him out of the stroller he was dribbling some ball or other all over the place. He wants to be right in the center of the action, but I have to really keep him contained. I feel bad for him but the big kids are doing their own thing, and he'll end up trampled. We try to get him to "pass" (another one of his words) a ball back and forth with a sibling on the sidelines, but "sidelines" isn't one of his words yet.
Quinlan has had her nose stuck in "Breaking Dawn." I think she finished it last night. In the first couple chapters, she hated it and was ready to put it down, but once she got past that point, she was loving it. She would obediently come when called to do something for me, but you could definitely tell where she'd rather be. So, while I watched goalies, she read.

I think she must have finished it late last night. She's been frustrated because she's wanted to talk to me about certain parts, but as I've been getting ready to take a midterm, "Breaking Dawn" has not been part of my reality (or should I say "fantasy"). I did read the first chapter and know I'm in for some way emotional stuff. I get way to emotionally involved in books.
I read to my boys in the middle of the day and before bed. Brevin and I finished "Crispin: Cross of Lead" by Avi. Not as good the second time through. I remember the first time I read it, I loved it. It was one of my favorite kids' books, but this time my feeling is "eh, it was okay." I read "Time for Bed" by Mem Fox to Teagen before bed afterwhich, he ripped the cover off the book. Sigh. We'll get it. He insists on holding the book himself. After I gave in and gave it to him last night, he laid it down on the floor and laid on his stomach to read it. It was really cute. Wish I had a camera (sigh--see 007 posting if you don't know what I'm talking about).
Gannon, Aedan and I took dinner to a family in the ward who just had a new baby. She was so BEAUTIFUL! I loved that my boys were the ones who wanted to go with me to deliver the food and see the baby. As I was studying, Quinlan actually made the dinner. She did a GREAT job! I'm so grateful for kids who see my need and are willing to step up as needed. Going into this school thing we knew would require quite a bit of sacrifice on the part of our family, and it has, there is no question, but it's proven to be very good for them in many ways. That will be another post way in the future when I'm ready to graduate.

Last night was Gannon's first soccer practice. We went for Family Home Evening. Our family was the only one there. As we sat there, Zan's cousin's family came riding through the playground on their bikes. It was great to see them there. They said they'd come through each Monday to see us. We joked that we'd make it an extended family Family Home Evening each week. We had our lesson, etc. in the car on the way to and from practice. So, my goal to have better prepared FHE's didn't come to pass, but we did have it, so I'm happy about that.
We had family scriptures and prayer. All in all, we did pretty darn good yesterday. Now, the main goal, bedtime was another story. Because I insisted on reading to the boys before bed, I didn't get into bed until 10:15 or so and then Zan had the TV on and "Project Runway" was on with a new season I didn't even know existed (ugh!). This is a weakness of mine. I really like that show. I watch very little TV, but this is one I like. After that, the hair cutting show was on. I hadn't seen that before, and it fascinated me, so although I was in bed, I had one eye open watching what was going to happen next. Ugh! We didn't used to have a TV in our room. Maybe we need to get this one out of there for my sake.


Baxter Family said...

You sound so much better! So cheerful, and it is wonderful to hear your "sparkle" in your posts. Good for you for working on things and finding all the things you did accomplish (something I know I always struggle with - I always see what I DONT get done)
I know what you mean about emotions/feelings etc being reality - it is a constant battle.
Good for you for doing your best and enjoying all those little and big moments!
The kids sound like they all have gotten SO big! Isnt it wonderful to have the bigger kiddos be such a big help! Their kindness and service to each other and others outside your home is because of you and the wonderful example that you are! Keep up the good work and all the smiles! You are GREAT!
Love Ya!

Rachel said...

You are very hard on yourself-- and you are one of the people that I look up most to in this whole world! I understand how easy it is to get down on yourself too-- but remember that good, better, best talk from conference? You only have to do the best stuff-- not all the rest!

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Julie - I like your skin! I hope you are happy just to 'be' for the experience of it all!

Life's short as it is ~ enjoy. I've learned a lot about that myself as of late....

Hugs ~ m

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