Monday, April 18, 2011

Making Your Misery Worth It - Advice for Teen Girls

My husband used to tell our daughters that they wouldn't be able to date until they were 30.  Of course he was kidding around.  I, on the other hand, hoped that our daughters would have their first heartbreak while still living under our roof.

Yesterday, I went to tell my daughter it was time for church and there she was in her bed, fully dressed.  I knew the signs.  She slowly rolled out of bed and onto her feet, and I could tell by her every action that she was experiencing her first heartbreak.

I have learned a lot of this experience.  I went through a few times of my own heartbreak over boys as a teenager.  I can still feel what she's feeling to some degree, and as hindsight is 20/20, I know exactly what I'd do now to get over it successfully.

Yesterday, I let her go through it on her own.  I told her that I was there if she wanted to talk, and I did ask a few questions, but other than that, I knew she needed to learn from her own experience.  So, I left her alone.

This morning, I went up to her room to see how she was faring.  She was happy and chipper.  She had worked through it all and solved it all by herself.  Thankfully, she had never allowed herself to even kiss this guy, but he would tell her that someday he would marry her, etc., so I think he had her hooked to some degree.  Some guys know just what to say and do to draw a girl in even if she wasn't even interested in him to begin with.

So, if she hadn't been better this morning, here's the recipe I created for getting over heartbreak.  I think we have a tendency to draw things out much longer than we need to.  I will also tell you that in these kinds of situations, it's much better to deal with it on your own at first.  Make it into one enormous one-day pity party.  You are the guest of honor and the only person you can invite is you.  In the end, this is an opportunity to celebrate the things that are uniquely yours.

After you've resolved some things, you can then draw your mom or someone you really trust and love to be your support system, but that's only after you have come to some conclusions and created some solutions.  You might want to let those you live with know what you are doing.  Most moms, I would think, would understand--if they've ever had a heartbreak.  If they haven't you might want to find one of your mom's friends who has and have her explain it to her.  Moms listen to fellow moms better than they do their daughters in a lot of cases.  Never have your dad explain it to her cuz dad's just DON'T get it--AT ALL.

Here's the recipe for the ideal heartbreak pity party:

Allow yourself one day to just feel miserable
Know as you go into it that it's only going to last for one day, so have at it.
Shut yourself in your room.
Listen to the saddest music you know.
Try to find the one that fits your situation the best
Cry as you listen to it over and over again.
Write down everything you're thinking and feeling.  Get it all out.
Sleep - better yet, sleep on the floor
Eat ice cream, chocolate, but don't do things that could be dangerous--that's just plain dumb.
When you've felt all the misery you possibly think you can--when you've cried all the tears that you think he's worth crying for....

It's time for a turning point, so make sure you're really done.  Heck, even if you think you're done, go ahead cry for a couple extra minutes, listen to that song one last time.  Then....

Write solutions.
What did he do, or what did you do, to cause you to feel that miserable.
Determine to make yourself a better person, so great that that last guy's no longer worthy of you.
Set goals.  Map out who you want to be and how you're going to get there.
Create baby steps.
Talk to yourself in a positive manner.
Decide to love yourself.
If necessary, come up with a mantra that you can use to remind you of your own value.
As you go to bed that night, pray for strength for the next day.
Wake in the morning with a prayer and a renewed determination to be a new you.
Start your new goals.
Take those baby steps and be grateful for the situation that brought you to this point.
Oh, most importantly, wear something you love--something that makes you look great.

One other note:  NEVER go back to that guy.  NEVER!  He's not worth it nor is he worthy of you.  Make a resolution.  Pull your girlfriends, your mom, anyone who's important to you in on it, so they can strengthen you.  On top of that, remember, we're here on earth to learn from good but more so from bad things in our lives.  This is just one step in preparing you for better things in your life.  It's helping you grow to be who you need to be for your future--to accomplish what you were sent to this earth to do--the things ONLY YOU can do.  So, do it!


Alyson said...

Everyone in the whole world should see this. That's the perfect recipe for a pity party!! And for getting over it and getting on with it.

LeAnn said...

That was an awesome post. I have a grandduaghter that has been a little depressed over her first heartbreak. You gave good solid advice. I really enjoyed reading this post and will share it with her.
Blessings to you! LeAnn

Tonya said...

Great advice! You really need to write a book. I'd buy it for Rylie for when she goes through her first heartbreak.

buzygrizz said...

I love the idea of taking some time to grieve. Grieve, and let go. To not carry the baggage with you anymore. To rise above. Beautiful, Julie.

Jef said...

I loved your post Julie, I would add only one thing. Don't underestimate the ability of a father to understand the pain of heartache and try to allow your father to help you out of your funk.

Also, don't hesitate to ask for a father's blessing if the heartbreak is really bad.

Hesses Madhouse said...

Thanks Jef! I should edit my dad remark with "most." You are right. I stand corrected.

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