Sunday, October 26, 2008

I Don't Want to Talk About It

...But I have to.

Last Sunday, I was called by a member of our stake presidency. He asked if I was aware that the next weekend was stake conference, I told him I was. He then asked if I was aware that Saturday night was the adult session. I told him I was. He followed that up with, "Are you planning on attending?" I told him I was. He then lowered the boom--he asked me to speak.

My internal reaction...

NOOOOOOOOO!
But of course I said, "Yes."
Well, that was last night. All I will say about it for now was that it was a huge trial of my faith. I read and pondered and wrote all week.
I went to weigh in yesterday morning at six and didn't stay for the meeting. I drove my car to a parking lot and prayed. I felt the impression that I should just go home that I would be given the words that I needed to say. Did I listen? Nope. That was just too uncomfortable, so I stayed in the car, prayed and wrote down everything that came into my head. It was an okay talk but much too long. I knew it wouldn't do. Oh, I'm so stubborn!
I tried all day to get my final thoughts on paper. I had written part of the talk back on Tuesday. It was great. Could I find that notebook that had all of those notes in it? Again, no.
Well, I continued through the day trying with everything I had to get it done. A plate got broken in the kitchen, and I knew I should have been keeping track of my family. About fifteen minutes later, the five-year-old yells, "Maaaahm, T's breaking eggs on the kitchen floor!" Ugh! That was it. I knew I was done trying. I went to my room to have a good cry.
So, I went. The stake presidency must have seen the "deer in the headlights" look in my eyes when I entered the stake office for prayer meeting.
Anyway, I had fasted all day, I had had a blessing, but I hadn't trusted the Lord like I should have. What a chicken!
I took a notebook full of notes--quotes from conference, but other than that, I said what came into my head.
In the blessing, I was told that the words that would come to me might not be the ones I had prepared, but they would be the words that would be needed.
So, I did it. I only remember a few things that I said. When the meeting was over, I grabbed Z's hand and gor out of there as fast as I could.
When we got to the front of the church, an older brother from another ward, whom I just love--he had done some work on our house when we did our construction project, called over to my husband. He shook his hand then he put his arm around me and said, "When I saw your name on the program, I was so glad. You are so special." I said thank you and started bawling. I felt so dumb. I couldn't stop the tears and didn't know why they were there.
I cried all the way home. Zan was worried. He kept asking what was up. I didn't have an answer. It was like some kind of huge emotional release--like I didn't even know that I had been carrying such a load, and the dam broke.
Today is the general session of conference. I know if anyone comes up and says anything about last night I will cry. I just don't want to talk about it.

6 comments:

Jeannie said...

Sounds like someone is in need of a huge. I will be over tomorrow with Julie,Natasha and Q to work on Julie's health project, and you will be getting a huge, and if need be a shoulder to cry on.

Rory Baxter said...

Julie,
I am sorry that this experience has been such a challenge for you. Emotions & tears can be so overwhelming at times, esp when you cant figure out where they are coming from.
Good for you for seeing it through though! In reading your post - it sounds like the advesary was after you good - he knew the things you were going to share were important. Way to go! through all the stress and kiddos, and emotions you were steadfast and immovable and faithful!
I bet if you asked Z or others you would know that you were wonderful. Preston often tells me when he is giving a blessing he cant remember what he said - the words arent his - it sounds like you also had that experience - you spoke the words the Lord asked you to - that is a great blessing and opportunity and privilege.
I wish I could have been there to hear you speak, & give you my love, friendship & support up close. Please know you have those things even though I am far away!
Stake conference was wonderful though wasnt it? - esp today with Elder Perry and Pres Uchdorf! They gave direction that is so needed, I felt like those things were just for me and our family. What a blessing to be members of the church to have the truth and light from the prophet and leaders of the church!
Keep your chin up - know you are WONDERFUL! I think you are amazing and a shining example of a great mom, wife, person! Love Ya!

Alyson said...

*hug*

You are awesome. That's why they assigned you to talk in the first place; and that's why God gave a blessing to you, and a talk through you.

I truly believe that.

But having said it, I still understand the massive relief of getting something like that over with, and the feeling that (no matter what anyone else says) it didn't work out, wasn't a success, didn't make me happy, don't want to talk about it. I know that feeling. *another hug*

Tonya said...

Oh Julie. You are such an amazing woman and friend and mom and wife. You must know that you did an excellent job on your talk. If you weren't so amazing you would not have been asked to speak last minute like you were. You pulled it together and you said some very important things. I LOVE You!

Rachael said...

Julie,
I was at Cason's football game and didn't get to the adult session until 8:00. When I saw you up on the stage you look like you were stunned. I so know what you feel like. I was asked so speak to the youth one time and I was still throwing things into my talk right before the meeting and was actually late for the prayer meeting where everyone was waiting for me. My in-laws were in town and I had just tried to get them fed after church. I just wanted to leave and not talk about it too.
My friends and I last week decided that we women need some form of appreciation. We don't get raises, awards, fancy titles, or grades to show our progress. So we decided to form the OSW (old sassy women) organization, so that we can wear our sweatshirts around with badges of things we have accomplished, so that when we have a bad day we can be reminded how great we really are. So as co president, (see I already feel important with my new title) I think you deserve a MT (Major Talk) badge, and a MOM (mother of many) badge, (together they double in importance). Second you deserve a gold metal that dangles with a big heart on it for being courageous. You ARE wonderful. It is so encouraging to know that someone that as wonderful as you, has moments like me.

But we are NOT talking about it.

Danielle said...

Julie,
You did an amazing job and I truly was touched by your talk and eloquent words. Rest assured that you did a wonderful job and on the bright side, maybe you will never have to speak in a Stake Conference meeting again.

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