I have to admit I am my own worst enemy. If anyone were as mean to me and I am to myself, I'd have nothing to do with that person. I'm sure of it.
After receiving the nomination letter, it's sad how quickly I started abusing myself. I guess it just comes down to the fact that I don't know how to respond or express my feelings about such things. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. It's been hard to come out and tell anyone, so I've blogged about it, but that's about as far as it's gone. Just trying to wrap my brain around it.
Last night, I finally came out verbally about the nomination to two very dear friends. For the past month, I've been internalizing it and thinking about how there was no way I was going to pursue this any farther than was necessary. I was scared. I wasn't thinking about this as an opportunity for service and growth; I couldn't get past the idea of what it could potentially take away from my family--namely me.
As I shared this information with these women, I expected them to laugh at me. I expected them to say what I've been thinking.
What I heard was pleasantly shocking. They encouraged me and offered support for me. One of them helped me stand back and look at life and what there is in it that makes this kind of a opportunity so ideal for this time in my life. She made it actually seem do-able. She said, "Go for it! You have so much to offer. Do it unless and until the Spirit tells you otherwise."
Through this conversation, I saw how the path has been paved.
- The Warden is at a good place as far as his calling in the Church--not in a bishopric or on the high council.
- The Warden is at a good place in his job. Fairly consistent stress-level, but not overly committed to much after work is over.
- The commitment is only for a year.
- I have older kids who are very capable of stepping up and helping things run and do a marvelous job taking care of their younger siblings and the house.
- I have, in the last few years, run the gamut of motherhood--from nursing and diapers to first dates and driving permits and lessons and everything in between.
- There have been new opportunities to lead and grow that I'm learning from.
- Things at home are fairly organized. The kids know their responsibilities and have been stepping up to do them.
- I'm almost done with this phase in my own schooling.
It's interesting to see the Lord's hand in many things in life, but on my part, it's sad to see how much I limit Him.
I once had a visiting teacher who came to see me. As we sat there, I spoke about how I was turning 30 soon and wanted more than anything to have a party. This was during the time when my mother was dying, and we knew we'd be moving up to be closer to my parents; leaving people whom we loved dearly. The woman encouraged me to throw a party if I wanted one so badly. I told her I just couldn't because I knew no one would come. She looked shocked. What she told me then was so foreign to me, I still have a hard time understanding it. She said, "Wow! When I throw a party, I expect that everyone I invite will want to come. I can't understand it when they don't."
Someday, I want to be like that. Someday, I want to be rid of the negative voices that have plagued me since childhood and replace them with those that build and bless even myself. It is funny, I think that I'm a grateful person. I can find the good in everyone around me. Isn't it about time I started seeing the good in myself?
This is my goal.
So, I'm going to go for it. I'm going to throw myself into it and see what comes of it. These kinds of things are once in a lifetime opportunities. This chance will never come again.