Z says this is the place where I spill my guts. I really just share what is foremost on my mind for the day, so here I go again....
What I need to blog about today seems to be an ongoing theme in my life, and I'm really searching for some answers. All I ask is that when you comment on this, you be completely honest. Don't worry about hurting my feelings; you won't.
To help explain, I will share two illustrations.
Three months before I was to finish my mission, we, my two Japanese companions and I, taught a 19-year-old girl the Gospel. She had come to the church and had asked to be taught. We taught her and she accepted everything quite excitedly until we got to the law of chastity. At this point, I realized that the vocabulary these women were using was way over my head; I sat through the rest with a look of utter confusion on my face. After the discussion, my companions took me aside and explained what they had been talking about. This young woman had been sold into prostitution by her father from about the age of six. She had no concept of chastity. She had been living in hell and didn't even know it.
This young woman, went ahead and joined the church, but her father was very, very angry. We knew we needed to protect her. In Japan, it wasn't an unusual thing to have people, young people especially, come and hang out at the church during the day, so this young woman did the same. She had many friends, but she would call me nightly to ask if I was going to be at the church that next day and if I would stay and hang out with her. She didn't ask my companions, it was always me--the American.
I knew I couldn't. I was on the Lord's errand, and I needed to be out among the people doing what I was sent there to do, so I denied her my company day after day. I always felt a little guilty as I did so, but I felt that I was doing the right thing.
After I got home, I went to one mission reunion. There, I met up with an old companion. She shared with me the fact that, the night I left Japan this young woman drowned in the bathtub at her home. I was shocked by the news, but along with that came the self-doubt. Did I do the right thing? Should I have stayed with her all those days she asked?
Second illustration, this past year a woman showed up in our lives who had been absent for a long time (years). She is a person who is very needy--welfare, no phone, no job, no skills to speak of, but because she has a young daughter, we did a lot for them. Not for the mother per se, but for that little girl. It seemed that the mother was trying very hard at that time to get her life back in order--going to church, taking classes to gain some skills.... There were a number of things we refused to do because we felt it was more appropriate for her to figure out for herself, but all that we felt was necessary and appropriate, we did. I felt really good about this....at first.
As time went on, there was just something not right. I started to feel that I was being taken advantage of--that I was being asked to do things that were taking away from the time I spent with my own family and the resources I needed to care for my own, so I started to refuse more frequently and started to refer her much more to the resources available to her in her own ward. For awhile she took what was available to her there, but then she started calling saying that she couldn't reach people in her ward. This, to me, was a big red flag. Knowing the reputation of kindness and love that that ward has, something was just not right. She started calling me more frequently.
At one point during the summer, she called and asked for $5. Do I have $5? Well, yes, I do. But, what she wanted it for was assinine to me. Her mom had driven to her place in Hillsboro and didn't have enough gas to get back to Oregon City. Oh, COME ON! She was very unhappy with me when I didn't help her, and a new tactic was added--the guilt trip. At this point, I decided I was done...SO done.
I found out after these experiences with her that she had stopped going to her classes and stopped going to church a LONG time before. She was just waiting around for people to do for her while she did nothing to help herself or improve her station in life.
So, these situations have followed me around since I can remember. Certain things pop into my head as I deal with them.
Here are some of them:
Matthew 25:34-39
Matthew 5:39-42
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Abraham 3:25
and the one that reall makes me think:
Moroni 7:44-47
So my question for you is this. Is my responsibility to continue to do for people and serve them even though they are doing nothing to help themselves? Am I judging them, which I know is not my place and therefore denying myself of blessings in my life? I think of the church welfare system, and how many times I've heard my dad say that it's not a "dole" system like the United States welfare system is. The church welfare system requires work on the individual's part who is asking for assistance. Do I, as a member of the church, fall under these same requirements? Or, is my responsibility to give them my "coat" and my "cloak" and go with them a mile and twain without judging and placing requirements on those I serve? Do I have the Nephite disease, and it's my pride which keeps me from sharing all that I have? Does anyone else ever feel this way? Are there parameters to service? What do you think?
Friday, September 26, 2008
The Fine Line Between Chump and Charity
Posted by Hesses Madhouse at 8:18 AM
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5 comments:
I think that the important thing is to set boundaries for yourself and recognize that sometimes the best way to help someone, the most Christlike thing to do, is not necessarily to give them everything they want and continue giving without question. Clearly we live in an imperfect world with people who take advantage of generosity. It's important to pay attention to the spirit, which it sounds like you have done, and know that, though it's important to love people unconditionally, that does not mean that you have to give them everything they ask for. If someone asked for the shirt off your back and genuinely needed that shirt, my guess is that you would give it. The problem is that people tend to ask for much more than what they actually need.
For me, I have set up boundaries for myself so that I don't put myself in the position where I would have to judge someone. If you have already made the decision about what you're going to do, then you won't get taken advantage of because you have already agreed with yourself the level of service you are willing to and psychologically capable of giving.
In my grad program, awareness of this comes up a lot because psychology is a helping profession and it can be difficult to maintain boundaries, but I am often told that boundaries are essential because it allows someone to figure out how to be self-sustaining rather than reliant.
My advice would be to ask yourself how much you would be willing to do for this person (the second woman) that would not make you resentful. Then pray about what the Lord would like from you, which I know you've probably already done but I think it would be helpful to do every time this woman asks for something. You could say, "I need to think about that for a minute, can I call you back?" and say a quick prayer the next time she asks for gas money or whatever. Don't feel guilty about needing time to think things over.
The issue that you have raised is very important and difficult, so it's understandable that you would struggle with it. I think everyone struggles with it! But prayer is an amazing thing, and I am certain that you will get an answer about this problem.
What a complex topic! First of all, I could completely identify with that momentary glimpse of you sitting bemused while your Japanese companions zoomed over your head with vocabulary! Been there, done that for sure! It's a little frustrating but I was glad during those moments that when someone needed to have a higher level of conversation than I was capable of, there was a native speaker there to do it. And I didn't realize (or remember) that you served in Japan! That's very cool. Not that I'm partial to Asian missions or anything.
But to the topic at hand. That's really tough. I've struggled with the same thing, and I think at times I give in too readily when I empathetically connect with someone's plight, and maybe too little when the situation's more abstract. A lot of the time I've just had to say, "I'll give something to help out, and if they're scamming me, that's their issue. And I think that works but only to a point. Where it becomes an ongoing, established mode of behavior, particularly if you're enabling them to not resolve their problems and rise above them, then often the best assistance is not to hand them what they want.
They may not want to hear that, but maybe the first step for them is to get to where they can believe in themselves enough to feel that they can try to strike out on their own power, even just a little. (That's assuming, of course, they have the best of intentions but are mired in a rut they need to be coaxed out of. Those who are deliberately taking advantage of others' generosity need to understand that's not going to work.)
It's hard, though... and it's hard to know when you need to help by giving, help by referring, or help by withholding what they need to learn to do on their own. Each of those is the right approach for someone at some point in the process.
The hardest thing for me to realize sometimes is that it's not my responsibility to solve everyone's problems. I can do what I'm able to do without jeopardizing my family's well being. So yes, give them your cloak, walk two miles with them. But when they come back again the next day, expectantly waiting for another cloak, and the next, and the next, it might be time to sit down and have a talk. "Teach a man to fish,..." and all that. Knowing when it's the proper season for each way to help? That's tough. At times like that it's good to turn to One far more wise and omniscient than any of us for some guidance.
Honestly, I'm just jotting down what's going through my head at the moment and not really filtering or sanitizing any of it, but these are all questions I've asked myself many times as well, so even if I don't have any useful answers, I can at least say this is a road you are not the first to walk down, and won't be the last.
And returning to your mission experience again. Please don't torture yourself about the fate of that poor girl being on your hands. It sounds like you helped her as you were able to do so. Beyond the sphere of our influence and control there are so many other forces at work in other people's lives, there's no way you can take ahold of all of them and guarantee someone a happy outcome. There is no way to know if the same wouldn't have happened even if you had stayed with her. Especially with the situation she was living in.
Julie.
ok..first that is sad about the girl in the tub. :( that is terrible... but you were doing the right thing as a missionary.... other people could have stepped in to be-friend her. that is what Ward Families are supposed to do.
and
SET LIMITS to your CHARITIES. we have a LOT of that going around here!!!! and tell her next time to Call The Bishop. That is what I do.
i tagged you on my blog!!!
come see!!! :)
I don't know really that I can offer any suggestions or thoughts that haven't already been given previously. Just a few more. We are supposed to follow the example of Christ in all things. Therefore, it would make sense to pray and ask what you should do also in all things.
While it is often, or ever, not in our control to know the thoughts or feelings of others or their intentions, it is in our capability to know for ourselves what we should do in response to others through prayer. Take it to the Lord, place this burden on Him, and don't carry it around yourself. He is the ultimate example of love and understanding.
This woman you are referring to, unless you've already told her, does not know your feelings. Maybe talk to her about them and let her know you are willing to help her better herself, because even though you might not see them (look harder), she has been given talents from Heavenly Father but maybe doesn't know how to cultivate or use them. Maybe it is divine intervention from the Lord that she knows she can call on you for a sympathetic ear because there is something you need to do to bring out a better person in her.
Also, think about what you said, "The fine line between Chump and Charity"...which side would you rather be on when you meet the Savior? Maybe you were a chump and begrudgingly helped her but was resentful because you didn't think she appreciated it or deserved it or perhaps you helped her because you are charitable and you have been given the gift to do it with a loving heart like Christ and loved her as He does.
Anyway, I pray that you will have an answer to your prayer and will know what you need to do.
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