More About My Ward

You can tell when I'm feeling a bit low when I start to list tender mercies. It just makes me feel better.

I love when the Spirit whispers. I love when I look back and realize that it whispered so quietly that I didn't even know it was that that made me act but I'm grateful that sometimes I have the good sense to follow it.

Saturday evening was the Relief Society broadcast. After a busy day, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. But, of course I should go, I always feel better when I do, and why should I avoid something that makes me feel happy? Earlier in the day, I had spoken with a friend who said she was going to her in-laws and having a family get-together then all the women were going to the broadcast together while the men watched the children. Ahh! How blissful! Oh, how I wished for that.

There's a woman who has been inviting me to do a lot of things lately. I LOVE her for that, but I've had to turn her down so much, that I think she thinks I must be making up excuses. I really am not. It's just that life gets so darned busy. I decided that I'd invite her to go to the broadcast with me. She also was going with her mother-in-law. Okay, now I started feeling just a bit sorry for myself. Where was my mom? She would go with me? Did I take advantage of these opportunities as much as I should have when she was around? At that moment I missed her SO much, but in an attempt to squelch the creeping grief, I decided that I'd make my own family to go with me.

Looking back now, I realize that Heavenly Father must have directed me because these thoughts were so out of the ordinary. Amazingly, the first talk by Sister Beck confirmed that to me when she spoke of her mother moving out of the country and her question, "Who will be my mother?" and her mother's words, "If I never come back, if youu never see me again, if I'm never able to teach you another thing, you tie yourself to Relief Society. Relief Society will be your mother."

When I started thinking of who I could go with, I had two sister's names pop into my head right away. One lived right down the street, but I'm embarrassed to say, I don't know her very well. I was so glad I called her. She accepted my invitation for which I was grateful. The other woman lives so close to the church that I second-guessed the inspiration I had received and almost didn't call her. When I did, she seemed so happy that I had. The third woman is rather quiet. She also lives in my neighborhood. She also accepted the offer of my ride.

After I picked them up, they each mentioned how glad they were to be there and to have come together. I am grateful for inspiration and for my ward family. As we entered the church, one of the women mentioned how she has no sisters, but she would be mine and I would be hers. I felt so honored to have her say this. I started to think of my role in my ward completely differently.

There is something that I must explain that I have started to write before but have been advised not to by a good friend. I feel that I need to write it because I don't want to give the impression that I live in a bad ward. Quite on the contrary, I live in a Zion-like ward. The people genuinely love each other. I feel the Spirit each Sunday. My problem with my ward is ME. I must explain this. It's driving me crazy, and I feel that if I can overcome it, I can get on with it and move onto other things, so I just need to vent for a few minutes.

Many years ago, I had a very negative experience with another sister in my ward. She came to me and said some very unkind things. She left no doubt about how she felt. From that time on, it affected how I interacted with others in my ward--especially her and her good friends. I won't go into great detail here. It wasn't that I was offended or unforgiving, it was just that I so wanted to be her friend, and it was clear that she didn't care for me at all. I wanted to know what I had done, so that I could make it right and move on. No matter what I did, I never figured it out.

She has since moved from our ward. Many of her friends are still here. I am now at a point where I feel that I need to mend these things in my heart. So, it really isn't the ward that I live in. It is a friendly ward. The first Sunday we were here, I was so touched by a woman who reached her arm past my husband to shake my hand and said, "Are you Sister Hess? We're glad you're here." I felt loved. This was how it all started out for me here.

I now feel that I have a lot of years to make up for. I feel foolish for having held myself back. All the activities I didn't attend because I felt unloveable. I allowed myself to be intimidated. My biggest challenge now is to learn from this and move on. I wish I had answers for anyone else who might be feeling this way, but I don't....yet.

I am grateful for those sisters who accepted my invitation on Saturday night. It was great to feel like I had a family again. It was wonderful to hear inspired words and to feel happy when I left.