"Somewhere in my Youth or Childhood...

...I must have done something good."

Woke this morning with a feeling of complete joy in my heart, and I feel completely undeserving. I read Heidi's blog and her adventures in Africa, and I feel just a bit guilty for feeling so happy. I know my life is blessed, but I also know from whom these blessings come, and I feel a fragility in it. My life is far from perfect, but these are some of the things I joy in:

• dindarks and keets - This is two things in one.

First, I'm grateful for T's ever developing vocabulary and the funniness of it. I love that he says things that none of my other kids at almost two have said because of experiences with older siblings. "Dindarks" and "keets" are "shinguards" and "cleats."

Second, I love that my children love playing soccer. I love that I have developed a love for the game, and that I have watched my children become team players and have polished parts of their personalities while playing this sport.

Yesterday, I watched G play for the first time this season. He missed a couple tries at goal. His reaction was not what it used to be. I watched him turn from the attempts smiling. In the past, he would have shown his frustration physically. I used to hate watching it, but yesterday, I saw that my boy had matured.

At one point during the game, G got to the ball at the same time as a boy on the opposing team. That boy tripped over the ball and fell hard. G then tripped over the kid's foot. I watched G get up first. I thought he'd just start running after the ball again, but I watched him stop, turn to the boy still on the ground, grab his arm, and help him up, asking "You okay?" My heart just about burst! This is a boy who holds the priesthood of God.

Yes, soccer is a blessing in my life.

• "You look mah-velous!"

Remember when Billy Crystal used to do his Lorenzo Lamas impersonation on Saturday Night Live? That's what came to my mind as I watched B play soccer yesterday. To be honest, as I watched, I got angrier and angrier, but I restrained myself from punching anyone, so I feel like I conquered something in myself (just kidding). B was playing goalie. B looks great in the purple goalie's jersey, so he looked mah-velous, but more than that, B was composed. He had no defenders, so the other team kept scoring on him. He went for every ball. He just kept going. He showed no sign of frustration. I realized who B takes after genetically. So, I guess what it all boils down to is that I'm grateful for goodly parents and those who have gone before me to make this kind of life available to my children.

B was born nine months after my mom passed away. The night he was born, I lifted the tiny blue hat he was wearing and marveled at his black hair. Where had this kid come from? All the others before and since have been blond or bald. As his eye color has developed, they are a brownish color that I can't describe. This was my mother's coloring. He also has a birthmark on the bottom of one of his feet--an "angel kiss." We have always told him that his grandmother kissed this foot as he jumped from heaven to come to us.

I believe that B is "kissed" by his grandmother more than we have even recognized. My mother was the most even-keeled person I've ever met. Nothing phased her. She let things just roll off her back, but it wasn't like she even had to try. This was B yesterday. On the way home, I expressed my pleasure at watching him to him. I told him that there would have been other kids who would get angry, those who would cry, those who would quit if put in his situation. B was none of these. How pleased I was.

• GREAT people
  

Daily my life is blessed with wonderful people. I hate to make a list, but I'm going to because this is my blog, and I can do what I want with it, right? Wow! Does that sound bratty or what? See I am undeserving.

This past week, I've been blessed with catching up with an old neighbor. Emilie and her family lived three doors down from my family. We were the same age and went to school together. We found each other again a couple weeks ago on facebook. In her first message to me, she shared about her two boys and that while she was pregnant with son number two, they found cancer in her abdomen. I love Emilie's strength! She is amazing. She makes me grateful to know her. I discovered her blog this week. I feel like she still lives three doors down. Emilie, thank you! I pray for you in every prayer. Please know that I am grateful for the place you hold in my life.

Z and I also got the chance to have dinner with Darilyn and her husband Chris, whom neither of us had met before. Let me straighten that out. I've known Darilyn since Girls' Camp. I read her blog regularly. She makes me smile. But, neither Z nor I had met Chris before. A few posts ago, I mentioned our love of Thai food. Darilyn read it and proposed that we go out sometime to get Thai food. Wow! SHE wanted to go with me? Thank you Darilyn! I love you! You are an amazing person. I loved how the conversation just flowed. We felt like we were with old friends. For anyone who hasn't, you have to read Darilyn's blog. It will make you feel happy.

This week was also filled with new feelings for the women of my ward. In a past post, I expressed concern for how I feel about my ward and where I fit. After the experience two days ago, I found that I am one of many (if not all) that struggle with this, and I also learned that I hold the key to freeing myself from these feelings. I felt such love for these women as I called them this past week. I realized that each of them is also reaching out and trying to find her place. Why do I worry so much about what others are thinking of me? Why don't I worry more about what I can do for them? That is my new focus. Isn't that what the Gospel's all about anyway? "Forget yourself and go to work."--to quote President Hinckley's dad.

My last thing is kind of silly, but I will explain why it's listed here.

• Weight Watchers

I have been hung up about my weight for as long as I can remember. In high school, I was so thin at one point that I remember coming to dinner and finding a newspaper clipping about anorexia nervosa placed in front of my plate. I have had a very unhealthy obsession with my weight.

As a very young child of six, I started hearing "You're fat, ugly and stupid" nearly daily until I was about fourteen or fifteen. I believed it even though, now that I look back, I was average for girls my age. When I was sixteen, I started obsessing about my weight.

As an adult, I have struggled each time I've had a baby. It's not been a problem when I've been pregnant, but after the baby's born, I have looked in the mirror and cringed over what I've seen. The weight has always come off over time for which I've been grateful, but after the last two boys the weight didn't come off as much as I wanted it to, and after it hit a certain point, it started going up again. I have allowed it to control so many of my feelings for myself. I stopped taking care of myself.

I knew there had to be a change. I knew I had to do something. I knew the patterns I had taken before weren't healthy, and that I needed to arm myself with a healthy alternative to feel good about myself again. Weight Watchers has been my answer. I found out yesterday that I am within 1.4 pounds of my goal. The past two weeks, I have lost 1.4 pounds, so hopefully, by next week, I will have met my goal. I will be right in the middle of the BMI for my height. More importantly than this, I have learned to track what I eat--at least five servings of fruits and veggies a day, at least six glasses of water a day, oils, vitamins, exercise, portion size and variety. These are some of the concepts I have adhered to. I feel like I finally have control.

Yes, life is GREAT! Each day has its struggles, but each day has such great joys that those struggles seem so conquerable. I feel so grateful that God is aware of me on a daily basis. That He knows my name and my struggles and my personality. So, in my youth and childhood did I really do something good? I don't know, but I do know that He loves me more than I can conceive because I see and feel evidence of it daily.