Sunday, March 6, 2011

Snarky to Sunao

The last two nights I've gone to bed with my stomach in knots.  Last night, I spoke with the Warden about it asking his advice for how to be free of it.  He didn't really have any to give, so I prayed about it.  Just asked for relief.  This morning, I felt fine.  Better than fine.  I felt really good.  I'm glad Heavenly Father answers my prayers and looks out for  me.

All of this stomach knotting has caused a lot of introspection, and I've decided that I've, lately, become a little too big for my britches.  There's no question.  When people start to say nice things about you and say you deserve accolades, it tends to go to your head.  Seems that that's kind of part of being human.  Well, this most recent experience has me realizing that that's what's happening to me, and I don't like it.

I've decided the time has come to bring it back down to earth and start keeping it real again.  I've been struggling with my own  identity--feeling I have to be something I'm not.  That was a big part the reason for my seriousness this entire past month.  I went out with a dear friend (post about this later), and from that time with her, I learned that I'm okay as I am.  I'm not perfect or even great, but I am doing okay.  My humor returned, but I still really needed a reality check.  So, this was very difficult but needed.

From all the ugliness, I've decided it was God's way of pulling me back down to where I need to be.

In this last little while, I've become very snarky--sarcastic, impertinent, or irreverent in tone or manner.  I am very grateful for a humbling experience.  It is yet another witness to me that God is aware of me.  It was a gift.

"Sunao" is a Japanese word meaning obedient, meek, docile, unaffected.  This is who I want to be.

As I look at these two words, I know that the rest of the world, much of it, works toward snarkiness.  It's cute and cocky.  Not many work to be sunao.  The world tells us, if you're sunao, you're weak.  I beg to differ.  Funny, but in the snarky times of life, I find myself very uncomfortable and unsure.  When I lean on God and become sunao, I find confidence and find myself more capable.  This is what I need in my life.

Blogging, for me, is therapy.  I looked at last year's postings for this time of year, and I did the same thing that I'm doing now.  I'm seeking to free myself of the sad feelings that come along every year at this time.  I know that I'm leaning too much in the wrong place.  I really love posting everyday.  It's a nice outlet, but I'm definitely abusing it lately.  I need to lean elsewhere.  As far as I understand it, there's only one way to lean if you wanted to be lifted; it's getting down, so He can lift you up.

I just guess I needed to apologize for my snarkiness and becoming too obnoxious.  Please forgive me.

So, for today, I thought I'd share what I'm reading.  If anything can bring it all back down to reality, this can: - Ensign Article - Beware of Pride


Anonymous said...

i want to be Sunao, too :)

Matt Gold said...

You're great, Julie. Always aware of how you can be better. Sunao is a good thing...with just a touch of snarky. That's what gives you personality, right?

Matt Gold said...

oops, me Tonya:)

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